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How to Poo On A Date and other self help books we want to see

Leave it to the Brits to solve our dating etiquette queries. At long last, a bible of sorts has finally emerged for all of us who have ever had to do a number two, while trying to get to second base. How To Poo on a Date is the third book in its series, which includes How to Poo On Holiday (order me three copies) and How to Poo At Work (ugh, need me to write the introduction?). The most recent guide gives examples and step-by-step scenarios for dating and pooing, two of the simultaneously greatest and worst things in life. Contrary to what Nicholas Sparks would like us all to believe, a great love story, or even a mediocre one, is not void of poo.

My only fault with How to Poo On A Date is that it’s just now being released. Where was this when I was lying to my high school boyfriend about suffering from chronic nosebleeds? A good cover story while under duress, but also one that leads to many health-related questions in the long run which I, a person who has never, ever, ever had a nosebleed, was unable to answer. Also, I was pretty sure I was jinxing myself into a lifetime of nosebleeds with that lie, which caused stress, which predictably lead to more pooping.

How to Poo On A Date got us thinking about all the little intricacies of dating and how to maneuver the steps of meeting someone new. Wouldn’t it be great to have a guide on how to navigate tricky situations until you reach the point where it’s 5 pm and neither of you have showered, and even better, don’t care? Here are some ideas for dating guides we’d love to see at the bookstore.