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Pretty Little Liars Recap 620: Hush, Hush, Sweet Liars

620 Recap Much

Tonight’s finale of Pretty Little Liars may have been the culmination of jumping five years ahead in time, but we went even further back in reality. Let’s wade through the cobwebs and discuss tonight’s Season 6 finale.

Aria and Ezra have finished their book in record time and Aria’s boss Jillian loves it. She’s pushing for a Christmas release date, which could mean anything since we never have any idea what season it is in Rosewood. Mid spring? Kinda fall? The exes celebrate their good news by doing what we all knew they were going to do – reclaim their Ezria title by jumping into bed. At least they’re both adults now. #ByeLiam

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Emily continues to have zero storyline the season, which means instead of helping set up a trap to catch the new A along with everyone else, her job is to hang out with Alison while she gets calls from her dead mother and visits from dead Detective Wilden.

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Elliott is at his conference in Chicago, leaving his new bride to have nightmares about Jessica DiLaurentis and Wilden. Alison believes they’re taking her to hell with them and goes to the Rosewood chapel, the one place where nothing bad happens and she feels safe. Oh, except it’s the same spot where her sister was killed a few weeks ago. If Alison DiLaurentis is one thing, it’s consistent in her bad decisions.

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Rather than wait five minutes for her psychiatrist husband to get home from Chicago, Alison decides to voluntarily check herself into Elliott’s hospital. After one day of nightmares. When she’s married to a psychiatrist. This is why you don’t get invited to be part of the ‘Trap A’ planning committee, Emily.

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Hanna’s plan to turn herself over to A involves her only working with Caleb and Spencer only working with Toby. Spencer and Toby are going to be in charge of sealing off the bottom of Radley, since they think ‘A’ is Sara Harvey and she’ll be escaping from the hotel on her way to kidnap Hanna.

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This will all be going down on election night and no big surprise, Yvonne isn’t very happy that her boyfriend is spending the evening doing something secret with his ex. He promises to make it up to her, which in Toby-speak means hanging out at Veronica Hasting’s victory party with Spencer. Toby isn’t the brightest, but he does have pretty eyes.

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Toby and Spencer sneak into the basement of Radley and knock down a wall blocking the door to the old records room. Mona tags along and they find ONE record left in Radley. ONE. Really? This is the only one that survived? Really? The file says that 25 years ago a woman named Mary Drake gave birth her son Charles and that Jessica DiLaurentis adopted him. So Charles, who became Charlotte, was adopted. That’s got to make Jason feel better about accidentally dating his sister.

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Hanna’s big plan is to sit in The Lost Woods Motel (throwback!) and wait for A to arrive. Caleb Googled how to make an electric fence and covered about five feet of land, which should do nothing. Before putting the plan in action, Hanna reveals to Caleb that after their final fight she went back to their apartment to apologize. He was already on his way to Europe on the trip they planned together and rather than jump on a plane and meet him there, Hanna got engaged to Jordan and then waited for Spencer to say ‘I love you’ to Caleb before telling Caleb she still loves him. Hanna is the worst. Then Caleb kisses Hanna. He may be even worser. It’s an intense competition of awfulness.

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Caleb seals Hanna into her abandoned hotel room and along with Aria and Ezra, the three wait and watch. Movement gets picked up on their security cameras and while they’re off chasing a red dot, A opens the floorboards of the hotel room and steals Hanna. First of all, not one of you could have stayed to watch Hanna? Secondly, why didn’t Toby aka the only one with a gun get put on guard duty? Thirdly, where the hell is Emily?

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The group all meet at the hotel and Caleb flips out over Mona’s presence. Like, FLIPS out. What’s up with that? Chill Caleb. The camera footage shows Jessica DiLaurentis running away from the motel and they get a text from ‘AD’. Could the last initial be for Drake?

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Finally, we’re back at the DiLaurentis house and see Wilden take off the greatest mask ever made and reveal himself as Elliott, who is actually a Brit. Didn’t we learn anything from Wren? Don’t trust the Brits on PLL. The woman who looks like Jessica DiLaurentis is Mary Drake, her twin sister. Now that Alison has signed the papers to be admitted to the hospital, he owns 51% of the Carissimi Group, which we guess means she actually signed something else? Together, Elliott and Mary are avenging Charlotte’s death, with Elliott marrying Charlotte’s cousin Alison to help put their plan in action.

WHAT?

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Okay, so Elliott must have fallen in love with Charlotte while she was under his care, but then he started dating Alison and Charlotte died, right? But why was he dating Alison? And how does he know Mary Drake? Was she a patient of his as well? How difficult is it to impersonate a doctor and get a medical license in Rosewood? And what is Sara Harvey’s role in all of this? Is she somehow related to Mary Drake and that’s why she helped Charlotte all those years and has been trying to find the only surviving records in Radley? And do we care what happens to Hanna? She’s kinda been the worst this season.

Now will someone call the police already? You people can barely catch a cold, let alone an evil genius.

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