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A Scaredy-Cat’s Guide To Watching TIFF’s Scariest Movie, Blair Witch

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With a particularly wide array of horror flicks to choose from at this year’s Toronto International Film Festival, Adam Wingard’s Blair Witch sequel was definitely high on the ‘do-not-watch-this-movie-if-you-plan-on-getting-a-good-night’s-sleep-in-the-next-year’ list. If you’re a scaredy-cat like me, you know this list exists. Just like ghosts and witches exist.

Prior to watching the Canadian premiere of Blair Witch at TIFF’s Midnight Madness, the scariest movie I had ever let myself see was probably Gothikaand I still had to sleep with my parents that night. So you can rest assured that this Scaredy-Cat’s guide is a legitimate attempt at helping you get through a screening of Blair Witch. By following this rigorous nine-step program, you too should be able to Blair-ly survive watching the scariest film at TIFF.

1. Sit Behind Someone Who Has Big Hair

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They make really good shields.

2. Wear Loose Clothing That Allows You To Curl Up Into A Ball

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Stretchy pants aren’t just for eating popcorn. When you’re a scaredy-cat, you’ll want to be able to slouch low in your seat and hug your legs in tight for maximum safety.

3. Limit Your Sugar Intake To Calm The Jitters

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Because there will be jitters.

4. Go With A Sleepover Companion

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I took my 19-year-old sister.

5. Don’t Open Your Eyes During The Last Hour Of The Film

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My memory from the film’s final hour consists of flashes of trees, feet and the odd tear-streaked, dirty face. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

6. Plug Your Ears

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At this point, I’ve told you to curl into a ball and close your eyes. Plugging your ears is the obvious next step.

7. Scream

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This should come naturally to you. But once you scream, you’ll laugh at yourself. And laughing makes you feel fine for a fleeting moment.

8. On The Way Home, Laugh About How This Could Never Actually Be True

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Laugh through the fear. Laugh while your heart steadies to a normal beat. And silently make a vow to never go camping ever again.

9. Put A Funny Show On Before Bed, And Just Leave It Playing All Night

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I went with The Office.

 

As a test, why not try lasting through the whole trailer below? Blair Witch officially hits theatres on Friday, September 16.