Broad City fans already know that Abbi and Ilana are the greatest duo since PB and Jelly. In only two seasons we’ve learned so much from the two hilariously talented women and at times felt much better about ourselves. Thank you ladies.
We are now two episodes in to the second season of Broad City and if you’re just joining us, welcome! Now stop whatever you’re doing an immediately binge watch Season 1. The water is warm and contains tons of penis jokes.
Watching Broad City for the first time is shocking, overwhelming, and most importantly, the greatest use of your time since learning to tie your shoes. Really, what piece of knowledge has been that valuable since the shoe-tying lesson?
When watching Broad City for the first time there are some thoughts that every one has. Actually, it’s a bit more than some. Here are 118 things everyone thinks while watching Broad City for the first time.
1. I hope none of my friends Skype me when they’re having sex. I’m not ready for that.
2. Have my friends Skype’d me while having sex and I didn’t know it?
3. I should delete Skype.
4. Is What A Wonderful World a slave song? I should look that up.
5. Who does teach bucket drummers?
6. I wonder if I could make money playing the drums on buckets.
7. I hate Bevers.
8. I guess a vagina is the closest thing to being ‘nature’s pocket’.
9. I still don’t think I want to use it as ‘nature’s pocket’. Things get lost in pockets.
10. Couldn’t a drug dog still smell weed inside ‘nature’s pocket’?
11. Never buy for yourself what your friend gives you for free, amirite?
12. I should really start my taxes.
13. I will never eat a jawbreaker again. I love my teeth.
14. I hate Bevers.
15. I love Lincoln.
16. Why do people use packing peanuts to ship a pillow?
17. OMG, I need to start keeping my Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons. They don’t expire!
18. Oooo, I’d like a Soda Stream. I’d totally use it more than once…probably.
19. What kind of dog would I be?
20. How many of those bras does Ilana own?
21. Where is Bever’s girlfriend?
22. There should be a drinking game that involves taking a shot every time Ilana wears one of those bras with the extra straps on top.
23. I’m glad I’m not the only person to have endured terrible jobs in my 20s.
24. I can’t believe Jeremy’s package arrived before 10. When do packages arrive early?
25. Wait, maybe Jeremy has Amazon Prime. I bet that’s it.
26. Would I skip work to accept the package of my hot neighbor?
27. I can’t believe Abbi has a Costco membership. Those things are expensive!
28. Bevers has friends that go to nice restaurants with him?
29. I hate Bevers.
30. Is Rachel Dratch wearing a wig?
31. Why is Ilana wearing men’s underwear. Is this a thing now?
32. I don’t want to incorporate men’s underwear into my style. Seems like a lot of work.
33. How does Ilana still have a job?
34. There’s got to be a better job for Abbi than Soulstice, right?
35. Is there really Xanax for dogs?
36. Does Bevers really have a girlfriend?
37. And hemorrhoid cream for dogs?
38. Damn, that dog does look like Judith Light.
39. I love Lincoln.
40. I hate Bevers.
41. Is it really just white people that make out with dogs? I should pay attention to that.
42. Trey’s suggestions for getting over the flu were bogus, right? Hm…
43. Must remember to urinate fast next time I’m sick and see if it helps.
44. Bug bombs seem terrifying.
45. We’re never going to see Bever’s girlfriend, are we?
46. I can’t believe Ilana doesn’t lose her keys more.
47. She should put her key in nature’s pocket.
48. I wonder what they bought at Bed, Bath and Beyond. There are so many possibilities.
49. Do people really carry mace in New York?
50. I should meet my neighbors.
51. I should also make a spare key with a hiding spot.
52. Is a’ tic tac on the hydrant’ a real parkour move?
53. Do people still do parkour?
55. I love Lincoln.
56. Where is Bevers staying during the bug bomb debacle?
57. I hate Bevers.
58. I should buy art in coffee shops. Those people need the commission.
59. Is power-slidding a real exercise class?
60. I think I could power-slide.
61. Why don’t Abbi and Ilana live together?
62. Who are these people leaving pubes around the gym? Is this a Soulstice-only problem?
63. I really should get changed at home before going to the gym.
64. I love Ilana, but I’d probably be more of a ‘Nicole’ and lose my mind at Deals, Deals, Deals!
65. Deals, Deals, Deals is like Groupon, right?
66. Abbi buying a $400 dress is stressing me out.
67. Unless you’re Amy Poehler, don’t invite anyone you’re sleeping with to an Improv Performance.
68. I hope I never lose my phone.
69. Oh god, where’s my phone?
70. Phew, there it is. Zero new messages.
71. Bever’s girlfriend is essentially Maris from Frasier, right?
72. I’d like to be called ‘hot’. That does sound nice.
73. I should get the ‘Found My Phone’ App.
74. WHERE’S MY PHONE?
75. Oops, still right next to me. False alarm!
76. Do dentist’s really have a crazy lifestyle? Too crazy for dogs?
77. Maybe I should get a dog.
78. Or be a dentist.
79. Nah, both of those things are too much work.
80. Shit, I’m on the family plan too. Can my parents see my texts?
81. Goddamnit, what IS the cloud?
82. Are there really hurricanes in New York?
83. I’m not prepared for any kind of storm whatsoever.
84. I need to buy some flashlights and cereal, stat.
85. I also need a friend that would throw out my poop for me.
86. My crush + my poop + no water = my new nightmare
87. I hate Bevers.
88. I hate Bevers sister Marla, though I do feel bad someone pooped in her shoe.
89. We’re never going to see Bever’s girlfriend, are we?
90. Oooo, a wedding episode, I love weddings! Cake, cake, cake, cake!
91. Dang, I should wear a backpack to a wedding. Good call, Ilana.
92. Lincoln loves weddings. I love Lincoln.
93. Who is this Kevin guy and can he replace Bevers?
94. I hate Bevers.
95. This Morgan chick is creeping me out.
96. But good dress, Morgan.
97. YASSSS! Abbi is finally moving out of her apartment.
98. Actually, why doesn’t Abbi just throw Bevers out?
99. I hate Bevers.
100. His girlfriend is dead, isn’t she?
101. Is Bever Catfishing Abbi about his girlfriend? That’s a thing, right?
102.This Started From The Bottom montage may be the best thing I’ve ever seen. Ever. In the history of my eyeballs.
103. Are apartments really that bad in New York?
104. Is it weird that I’d be okay with washing off the blood and taking the giant apartment?
105. That’s probably weird. Don’t mention that.
106. Is Abbi’s real estate agent Amy Sedaris?
107. I love Amy Sedaris.
108. OF COURSE Lincoln is helping Abbi find an apartment. I love Lincoln.
109. Ilana dealing with the cable company is making my PTSD flare.
110. Dang, Lincoln and Ilana have been together a year and a half? DTR ASAP.
111. YASSSS! We finally get a lil Poehler up in here.
112. Abbi’s dad paid for their dinner. I can’t figure out if these two comes from money or not?
113. Ilana’s allergic reaction to shellfish is going to give me nightmares.
114. How is Abbi sleeping with dudes and not using condoms? And how is Ilana the reasonable one in this sitch? Mind blown!
115. Would any of my friends carry me out of a restaurant?
116. I would carry them.
117. Would I want to be Jay Z or Beyoncé?
118. Oh gawd, the season is over? Nooooooooooo!