No matter what you celebrate or who you worship during the holiday season, chances are you’re going to have to buy someone something. Sure, it’s easy when your dad is infatuated with Fabergé eggs and all your friends are members of the same stamp club, but what about those special people in your life who have no discernable hobbies or obsessions?
When in doubt, I reach toward the decade that gave us clear cola and competitive inline skating; a time when the Internet was old enough that we could burn our encyclopedias but young enough that it didn’t give legions of teens anxiety and depression thanks to its sinister pervasiveness; party on dudes, we’re talking about the 90s!
It’s the perfect decade to dip into when trying to come up with a gift idea because the 90s had a little something for everyone. And what does everyone like besides candy and money? MOVIES. Thus, the perfect gift for someone is a holiday movie from the 90s. Make sense?
Anyway, if you’re having trouble shopping for the difficult-to-buy-for friend or family member on your holiday list, here are some extremely specific ideas that probably won’t last past 2017 because nobody buys physical media anymore and giving someone a digital download is kind of lame.
The story of a sadistic young boy who tortures two bumbling crooks during the holidays is a cautionary tale for any adult who believes children are nothing but weak idiots.
A child’s life is turned upside down when he finds his father standing over Santa’s dead body. Thanks to a little known clause, the father (played by Michigan’s Tim Allen), is forced to become St. Nick to the delight of his son who is then deemed certifiably insane by the other adults in his life after he starts bragging about it.
Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzenegger star as rival fathers who resort to theft, bomb threats and kidnapping in an attempt to secure their respective sons a coveted action figure. Despite Empire Magazine’s Neil Jeffries decrying Sinbad as “trying desperately to be funnier than his hat” the actor took home the year’s prestigious Blockbuster Entertainment Award for Favorite Supporting Actor in a Family film.
A skeleton man wants his goth town to experience Christmas for the first time so he sends three little ghouls to kidnap Santa. Santa is delivered to a bogeyman instead who threatens to kill Santa, throwing the skeleton man’s plans into disarray.
Finally, a film brave enough to ask the question, “What would life look like if your musician dad died in a car crash and came back to life as snowman thanks to a magic harmonica?” Michael Keaton stars.
A simple story of a millionaire who believes he’s the real Santa after hitting his head is made complex when an evil scientist tries to take over an orphanage to gain access to the magic crystals within.
I don’t know what this movie is about but it’s got a big cast of adults that your parents probably like including Steve Martin, Rob Reiner, and the always delightful Anthony LaPagila.
If none of this helped then at the very least we learned something today: Most holiday movies from the 90s are either about killing Santa or bad dads resorting to extreme measures to show their sons that they love them.