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Just in time for Halloween, we take a look at one of our favourite cult-classic films with The Craft.
1. Film opens with Nancy, Bonnie and Rochelle chanting while surrounded in the rain with a hundred candles lit. How did they get their candles to stay lit? Is that the magic? How long did it take them to light them all? How did they transport the candles outside? Do they have a rolling suitcase just for candles?
2. Sarah is now in her new, super sweet house and opens the box with her mom’s picture inside. Shouldn’t these boxes have been taped? How did the box make it across the country without being taped?
3. Now there’s a crazy guy at the door with a snake. The suburbs are not safe for witches.
4. First day of school and Sarah goes to her new Catholic school without a uniform. That’s pretty ballsy. She didn’t want to stay home all day and watch TV. Not realistic. No teenager would ever say that. Unless she doesn’t have cable. Does she have cable?
5. Hey Breckin Meyer! Man, he’s an ass in this movie.
6. Nancy has a noose in her locker and leaves it open. Isn’t she worried someone will steal her noose? Or, I don’t know, suspend her for having a noose in her locker?
7. Did Breckin Meyer just call Sarah a snail trail? What the hell is a snail trail? Is it because of her terrible wig? That’s such a terrible wig.
8. Ooo, ooo, now Sarah is doing the sweet pencil stand-up trick. Let’s be real, we all tried this at least ten times after seeing The Craft.
9. It’s lunch time and Skeet Ulrich aka Chris is making his move on Sarah. Man, he was super-hot. Other than Scream what the hell happened to Skeet Ulrich? Did he ever play anyone likable?
10. That wig. I can’t.
11. The Smiths How Soon Is Now kicks in, a song solely responsible for all soundtrack sales of this movie.
12. Now the girls are inviting Sarah for coffee with Nancy telling Sarah that Chris spreads disease. I always wondered if she meant “disease” metaphorically or actual STDs. Possibly both.
13. Shopping time! Five-finger discount. Raise your hand if you to look that up the first time you saw this movie.
14. The girls notice scars and Sarah admits she tried to slit her wrists and Nancy responds with ‘Punk rock’. Seems a bit dismissive, no? That should have been clue number one to GTFO of that friendship.
15. Witch store time! Bonnie tries to get Sarah to steal and she refuses. How cool was Sarah? The coolest. Even with that wig.
16. The nice witch who owns the store tells Sarah she may be a natural witch, which made every 13 year-old watching this film wish they were a natural witch.
17. Homeless snake guy is back! Isn’t LA huge? How did he find her so easily? And how did he get from the city to the suburbs and back again with out a car? I’m just assuming a guy who tries to scare people with snakes in his free time doesn’t own a car.
18. Sarah uses her mind to have him run over by a taxi. Why didn’t his head explode when the tire ran over his noggin? That scene should have been grosser.
19. Time for Sarah to learn about Manon. And better wigs.
20. Sarah bounces when the girls try to convince her some ‘thing’ named Manon makes things all better. Clue number two to find new friends.
21. Sarah and Chris are on a date and he wants her to come to his place alone and she opts to go home. She really was the coolest.
22. Oh shit! Chris told the whole school that Sarah was the ‘lousiest lay he’s ever had’. Did people say ‘lay’ in 1996? Frequently?
23. Now Sarah’s confronting Chris in front of the school. Really, she doesn’t go home with him after one date and he spreads a rumour? Seems a bit extreme. Also, what a dick. Remember when he dated Neve Campbell in Scream and killed her mother? Such a dick.
24. Remember Jan Brady aka Christine Taylor aka Laura being a horrific racist to Rochelle in the pool? Why does anyone go to this school? It’s the worst.
25. Neve Campbell / Bonnie’s scar procedure has to have some kind of record for being the most painful scene in cinematic history to watch. This scene probably landed her the Scream franchise.
26. Also, what do Bonnie’s scars have to do with her not washing her hair? Maybe some dry shampoo?
27. Nancy lives in a depressing trailer with a drunk mother and stepfather. How can she afford to go to a private Catholic school? Are there trailers on the edge of LA?
28. A bus driver in LA probably thinks everyone is a weirdo.
29. Time to chant in a forest and hold blades to one another’s throats. There’s a little too much trust in this group.
30. Now they’re all squeezing their blood into a bottle of wine to drink. Again, too much trust in this group.
31. Sarah’s spell is working and Chris is following her around. If you know a girl between the ages of 25 – 35 who has ever had a crush, she tried this spell.
32. Yesssss! Time for Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board. If you know a girl between the ages of 25 – 35 who has ever been to a sleep over, she has tried this game.
33. Sarah pulling Laura’s hair out in the middle of the hall for Rochelle’s spell was such a badass move.
34. This movie was written for Fairuza Balk, right? It had to be. She’s the perfect witch.
35. Oh snap, Laura’s hair is falling out and it makes Rochelle dive perfectly. Such a good spell.
36. Now Bonnie’s scars are all gone. This doctor’s research is totally gonna be screwed up by their spells.
37. Everyone’s spells are working except Nancy, who Rochelle points out doesn’t want to be ‘white trash’ anymore. Maybe she should have wished for nicer friends who don’t call her white trash.
38. Nancy wishes for her step-father to die and scores a $175,000 insurance settlement. Really doesn’t seem like that much, but somehow it was enough to buy a penthouse in Los Angeles and a new car. This movie was made in 1996. Has inflation gone up that much?
39. A spell to change your hair colour. The coolest. Too bad they couldn’t do a spell to get Robin Tunney a better wig. I get that she just shaved her head for Empire Records, but damn, that hairline is distracting throughout the entire film.
40. Witch field trip to the sea to cast a spell with live animals. When do these girls study?
41. The girls are trying to summon the four corners and Nancy gets electrocuted and receives all of Manon’s power, which allows her walk on water. Why didn’t Sarah get all the power if she’s the better witch? And why are they all so calm about their friend Jesus’ing it up on the water?
42. Sarah tries to voice her concern and the three girls smoke and laugh at her. Is there a spell to make sure they don’t get lung cancer?
43. Sarah agrees to have breakfast with Chris, but they’re in his car at night. Was that a super long date? He drives an old red mustang and Nancy drives a new red mustang. Does this mean something? Do mustangs have ties to the occult that I don’t know about?
44. Nancy kills Chris at a party and doesn’t get in trouble. Sarah, who was in the room when Chris is killed, cries to her dad about her dead kinda-boyfriend. How do Sarah and Nancy explain his death? Why aren’t Sarah’s parents getting her grief counselling? I feel like this was glossed over.
45. Now Nancy is threatening Sarah for leaving the group. Is this movie actually a commentary on how teenage girls treat one another or should we just be watching it for the witchy stuff?
46. Sarah goes to see the witch who owns the bookstore for help and she lights 100 candles by holding a match to one. I’d be happy if that was my only power.
47. Instead of staying with the good witch, Sarah runs home to her non-witchy dad and stepmom. Worst plan ever. Oh, and they’re not even home. Where are they? Their daughter has tried to kill herself and now her boyfriend is dead. Shouldn’t they be home for dinner?
48. Now the girls make Sarah believe that her parents are dead and then they fill her house with snakes. Seriously, why didn’t she just stay in the nice witch’s store? How many snakes did they have on set for this movie? Like, that’s a ton of snakes. I could not have worked on this crew.
49. Again, why would anyone be friends with Nancy? She’s legit terrifying. You go, Fairuza.
50. Sarah runs around her house in fear, but never stops to turn on a light. Why doesn’t she turn on a damn light? Maybe their power is killed by electricity!
51. Sarah scares off Bonnie and Rochelle and is almost rid of Nancy when the crazy girl comes at her with a knife. She takes about a hundred swings at Sarah and never stabs her. Is that Sarah’s magic or is Nancy just terrible with a knife?
52. The next day, Bonnie and Rochelle try to apologize and Sarah uses her power to drop a tree on them. Honestly, she’s the coolest. Who does she hang with at school now? That place is full of jerks.
53. Nancy in the psych ward may be more terrifying that Bonnie having her scars removed. This movie was totally written for Fairuza.