Dear Shia LaBeouf’s hair,
We know your owner often makes questionable choices and this time around you’re facing the brunt of that. Yesterday at an event for the Tribeca Film Festival you were almost unrecognizable and not at all ready for cameras. We’re sorry you had to face the red carpet like that.
We think you’re a great head of hair and know that sometimes you get experimented with, but this is going too far. It’s not your fault. No one can make a rat tail work.
Maybe it was your idea to shave your sides in hopes of distracting people from your long braid. It was a valiant effort and we applaud your creativity, but again, rat tail. It’s the hair style that should only make it online because someone is Instagraming an ill-advised stranger at the airport, not because it’s being sported by a huge celebrity.
Repeat after us: it’s not my fault.
We were hoping that maybe your owner did this to you because of a movie role, but unlike most actors he seems to only sport respectable hairstyles when he’s shooting a film, not the other way around. Also, whatever role calls for a rat tail should probably be turned down. David Spade has already cornered the market on Joe Dirt sequels.
While we are impressed with how quickly you grew (didn’t you just shoot the Sia video?) we hope that your owner shows mercy and gives you back some of your dignity. Again, not your fault. Rat. Tail.
And don’t even get us started on the eyebrow piercing.
Sincerely, anyone with eyes that have seen you