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Broad City: Abbi And Ilana Become Sophisticated Homeowners

The return of Heidi and Oliver! Ilana and Lincoln’s epic reunion! The ups and downs of Bumble! “House-Sitting,” this week’s episode of Broad City, gives us juicy tidbit after juicy tidbit. And while our main characters end the episode standing out in the cold after an unfortunate dryer fire, we end the episode in a much better place than when it began.

 

TOO MANY DORITOS

Let’s start with Ilana and Lincoln. Heidi (The Office’s Amy Ryan) hires Ilana to take care of her swanky downtown apartment while she and Oliver vacation in the Hamptons. It’s the perfect excuse for Ilana to invite Abbi, Jaimé, and Lincoln over to try on fancy clothes, experiment with a bidet, and use Heidi’s expensive washer-dryer to do their laundry.

Ilana turned herself into a contortionist to win back Lincoln’s love last week, and fortunately it’s not long before we get solid confirmation that she and Lincoln are, indeed, back together. At first Ilana has trouble shedding her loosey-goosey, noncommittal ways, (at one point she refers to Lincoln as her “fluid dude”) but eventually she spits it out and calls Lincoln her boyfriend for the very. First. Time. Look how adorable they are!

After a couple (dozen) loads of laundry and more than a few wardrobe changes, Ilana and Lincoln slip into silk pyjamas and start to settle down for the evening. They engage in a fart-off to prove how comfortable they are around each other, (now that they’re dating for realises) which backfires when one of Lincoln’s farts sends Ilana running out of the room in disgust.

And the story doesn’t end there. First, Lincoln says he can’t go to brunch with Ilana, Abbi, and Jaimé because he’s going golfing. Then he agrees with Ilana’s suggestion that they make a shared Google calendar so the brunch thing doesn’t happen again. Then Lincoln puts on his reading glasses and dives into the “Current Events” section of the newspaper. The old married couple/dad vibes are enough to send Ilana into panic mode—especially when she spots a book called “Is Your Relationship Stale?” that’s conveniently placed on Heidi’s bedside table.

So Ilana takes one of the book’s tips (“pretend like it’s Day One”) to heart and struts back to the bedroom in her sultriest lingerie. But Old Man Lincoln’s already asleep, so Ilana angrily wakes him up and tells him she refuses to tolerate their “sexless fart party” of a relationship. At first it looks like they’re in danger of breaking up yet again, but through the power of Dorito metaphors they eventually agree that while they don’t want to commit to being together “forever,” they’ll see how things go and check back in with each other after a year.

Kudos to Ilana and Lincoln for talking about their problems like adults and proving that healthy, functioning relationships can be as interesting as romantic train wrecks. Also, shout out to the Broad City writers for basically guaranteeing another year of #Lilana goodness.

 

HOT FOR TEACHER

Speaking of romantic train wrecks, Abbi goes on quite a ride when she messages her old high school teacher, Richard (comedian Mike Birbiglia), on Bumble and invites him to come over for a sophisticated “soiree.” Abbi and Ilana go over wooing strategies while they take turns using the bidet (settings include “monsoon,” “staccato,” “novice” and “quiet storm”) and her date actually gets off to a relatively strong start.

But Richard completely ruins the mood when he admits that he used to think of Abbi romantically. Like, while she was still in high school. Plus he corrects Abbi’s grammar, which is also a big turnoff. Abbi is understandably spooked, but the only thing Ilana does to make her “feel better” is assure her that all teachers jerk off to their students. We almost always agree with what Ilana says, but this time we have no choice but to question her judgment.

Abbi decides to give Richard another chance after he apologizes for his behaviour and reveals that he reads The New Yorker (all the way through, not just one or two articles). But while engaging in teacher-student role-play doesn’t deter Abbi, Richard pulling back her skin to make her look younger certainly does.

To make things worse, a horrified Jaimé watches all of this go down while he hides under a pile of stuffed animals. He decided to get circumcised after mulling it over in “Just the Tips,” but apparently can’t get hard for another two weeks or else his stitches will tear. So he spends the entire episode trying to avoid anything that’s even mildly arousing (including a strangely erotic map of Europe).

And while staying in a child’s bedroom is, on paper, the perfect solution, Jaimé discovers the hard way (no pun intended) that nowhere is safe.

As Abbi and Richard argue about the appropriateness of what just happened, the apartment’s alarm goes off. It turns out that Heidi’s dryer caught fire because it’s only meant to treat silk, satin, and “gold-infused fabrics.” But the evacuation is a perfect excuse for Abbi to say good riddance to Richard, who walks away while doing the fist pump from The Breakfast Club for some weird reason. Again, we’re usually 100% on board with Abbi and Ilana experimenting with all things sex, but hooking up with a former teacher definitely toes the line between daring and disturbing. At least we now know a few more things about Abbi, including her love of Jonathan Taylor Thomas and the fact that she thinks holding cigars makes people look more mature.

 

BEST IN QUOTES

“Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble—every ethnicity of marble!” – Ilana, describing Heidi’s master bathroom

“I feel like a wine glass fresh out of the dishwasher.” – Ilana, after using Heidi’s bidet

“I want to take this one day at a time, the same way that I take spaghetti.” – Lincoln, about his relationship with Ilana

Broad City is the perfect TV show to watch in bed while wearing someone else’s silk pyjamas. Check out new episodes every Thursday at 2:30 a.m. ET.