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Dig up your mom’s old pregnancy pants. Defrost your Tofurkey (in my case). And cue up the Netflix. Thanksgiving long weekend is upon us. But if you are not a veggie like me, this weekend centres around a big ol bird. The turkey. The pop cultural world has provided us with as many turkeys as your local free range, organic, heritage turkey farm.
“What do you mean by a turkey?” you ask. We mean celebs who put their foot in their mouths, forget about being on their best behaviour or showed disregard for the golden rule. Or, in one case, getting in the way of our sweet baby Blue.
For your Thanksgiving entertainment, we present you with 2014’s biggest turkeys.
Adam Levine: 1 Turkey
Adam Levine is generally a good guy. You may not find him particularly like-able but I can bet that feeling comes more from your gut than from real facts. But, he made our list of top turkey’s because of Maroon 5’s latest music video for “Animals”. *insert joke about side of beef vs. turkey roast* Even if you don’t agree with the criticism that it isn’t appropriate to make a music video about stalking, Adam Levine just flat out looks like a big old turkey in this video. I would like to give him enough credit to think that he did this with a wink but there is something just a bit too self-serious about the scene where he is in a sexual embrace with his wife under a waterfall of blood. 1 Turkey it is!
Justin Bieber: 5 Turkeys
He had a really tough January. January 9 was the neighbourhood egging incident, causing thousands of dollars of damage. Bieber ended up pleading no contest to one misdemeanor count of vandalism and was ordered to pay $80,900, complete twelve weeks of anger management, five days of community service and serve two years probation.
But Jan 23 was the big one. Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida while supposedly drag racing and driving under the influence. You know, the drag racing incident where his dad was helping to keep watch. Yeah. He pleaded guilty to resisting an officer without violence and driving without due care and attention. He was fined $500 (ha), ordered to attend 12 more hours of anger management and a program to learn about victims of drunk driving. He also made a $50,000 donation to a children’s charity.
Okay. Next. Bieber was charged and released in September after a collision in his home town of Stratford between a minivan and Bieber’s ATV.
Also, the assault charge against him, after an alleged limousine driver attack, was dropped this year.
I’m too exhausted to keep writing this blog. But I must go on.
Future: 3 Turkeys
He let Ciara go. What else is there to say? That woman is perfect.
Katy Perry: 3 Turkeys
I could have done a whole sidebar about celebs being racially insensitive, but we decided to focus on poor Kate Hudson. I mean, that girl needs to learn a lesson a few times before it really clicks. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Katy responded to claims of racial commodification that surrounded the mummy characters in her live performance who have large lips and large booties.
She said, ““As far as the mummy thing, I based it on plastic surgery. Look at someone like Kim Kardashian or Ice-T’s wife, Coco. Those girls aren’t African-American. But it’s actually a representation of our culture wanting to be plastic, and that’s why there’s bandages and it’s mummies. I thought that would really correlate well together… It came from an honest place. If there was any inkling of anything bad, then it wouldn’t be there, because I’m very sensitive to people. … I guess I’ll just stick to baseball and hot dogs, and that’s it. I know that’s a quote that’s gonna come to fuck me in the ass, but can’t you appreciate a culture? I guess, like, everybody has to stay in their lane? I don’t know.”
Not the worst defence but since this isn’t the first time that she has had this claim levelled against her, it may be time for Katy P to, as she put it, stick to the hot dogs.
Rita Ora: 1 Turkey
We love Rita. She is beautiful, talented and cool as eff. But, no one gets between me and my baby. Especially if my baby is Blue Ivy Carter. You may remember when the cutest moment of all time happened earlier this year. During Beyonce’s mega performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, our Queen Elect, Blue Ivy Carter danced along to her mama singing “Flawless.” It was, well… flawless. EXCEPT for clueless Rita Ora standing right in the camera’s view of our little angel. COME ON RITA. Get it together.
Robin Thicke: 5 Turkeys
Gosh Robin. At this time last year, the turkey-ness was just starting. The MTV VMA performance with Miley Cyrus had happened. The backlash of what people called the somewhat rape-y “Blurred Lines” was very strong. But we couldn’t forsee 2014.
This year, Marvin Gaye’s son sued the writers of “Blurred Lines”, Robin Thicke, Pharrell Williams and T.I, for ripping off his father’s song “Got to Give It Up.” In his deposition for the case, Robin revealed that Pharrell wrote almost every single part of the song and that he convinced himself that he was more involved than he was because he was jealous of Pharrell’s talent. He also said he was on drugs and alcohol for most of the process which is actually less turkey-ish and more sad.
He also released the biggest over share album of all time, Paula, about his estranged wife. One choice lyric, “Show your rainbow of hope. And hot pot of gold on my body, baby.” Cringe!
Oh and Paula Patton filed for divorce this week.
Vitalii Sediuk: 3 Turkeys
You probably know Vitalii Sediuk as the celeb assaulter. Lets take a look at what he did just this year:
He grabbed Bradley Cooper around the legs at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. He rushed Leonardo DiCaprio at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, briefly burying his face in Leo’s groin. He streaked the Prabal Gurung runway show at New York Fashion Week and was arrested for trespassing. He crawled under the dress of America Ferrera at the Cannes premiere of How to Train Your Dragon 2. He stripped down to a G-string thong and hugged Ciara at the Paris Fashion Week Valentino show. And, as most people know, he shoved Kim Kardashian while she, Kanye and her mom Kris were exiting a limousine to enter the Balmain Fashion Show in Paris.
But, he was actually charged after he broke Brad Pitt’s glasses and tried to put his head in Brad’s crotch at the Los Angeles red carpet premiere of Maleficent. Sediuk pleaded no contest to all charges and was sentenced to 20 days of community service, $440 in court costs, and ordered to undergo psychological counselling for one year.
Unfortunately, this sad, not very funny prankster seems like he will keep being a turkey in to 2015.
Chris Brown: Turkey Hall of Famer
The may be the inaugural Top Turkeys list but we have already started our Hall of Fame. Because, honestly, if we had done this list in any year in the past five years, our turkey king Chris Brown would have been on the it. What did he do this year? Well let me remind you in a helpful, clear, point by point list:
– In February, Chris Brown was sued by a man who claimed that Chris said, “I ain’t down with that gay shit” and then beat him and broke his nose.
– In March, Brown was kicked out of his rehab facility and sent to jail for violating internal rules. Allegedly it is because he broke the rule that you have to stand at least 2 feet away from the women.
– In May, Brown was ordered to serve 131 days in jail for a probation violation. He was sentenced to serve 365 days in custody, but was given credit for the 234 days he has already spent in rehab and jail.
– He was given an early release because of jail overcrowding (American prison system, another turkey).
Hmm. This seems less turkey-ish than the Biebs somehow, doesn’t it?
Check back this time next year for 2015’s Top Turkey’s