How To Have Your Own Kanye-Style Meltdown


You may have heard of the seven stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, blah blah blah. This is no time to be sad. Spring is almost here, Canadians are dominating the music scene, the Blue Jays will be back in action soon and your Prime Minister has the best hair in all the land. But what if things could get even better? Well, here’s your chance. It’s your time to be great and this is how you can do that. Forget the seven stages of grief, these are the seven stages of a Kanye West.

1. Start a fashion line


But not just any fashion line. Start one that people (including yourself) can only describe as “ripped homeless sweaters” similar to those featured in The Matrix. Then show those ripped homeless sweaters to a sold out Madison Square Garden and force the models wearing these clothes to stand completely still and remain emotionless. Maybe create some rules about how they can’t all sit down at the same time or dance along to your brand new album that you’re premiering at that same event. You know what, this fashion line may even put you in debt. $53-million worth of debt. But really, who cares about that when there’s a second stage?

2. Ask Mark Zuckerberg for $1-billion


Who ever said you were too good to beg? Jump on Twitter and ask the creator of Facebook for a small loan of a billion dollars. After all, it was the day before his birthday and all. That is, if you think Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday is, for some bizarre reason, on February 16 and not on May 14 like the silly Google machine would suggest. You’re his favourite artist and he sits there in his Facebook tower watching you barely breathe. Yet he still has the audacity to play your album in his house? No way. He owes you that money. Get your billion dollars.

3. Thank Will Ferrell


After you’ve dusted off your ripped homeless sweater and picked yourself out of that debt hole, thank someone who’s truly changed your life. Will Ferrell. You must thank Will Ferrell for everything he’s given to this world. He’s played a dumb frat boy, a dumb elf, a dumb cop, a dumb anchorman, a dumb politician, multiple dumb athletes and so many more diverse and intricate characters. He has reached walking, living God status and his existence is a blessing. Say thank you to Will Ferrell.

4. Celebrate prematurely


Then you can thank all the little people. Prepare your Grammy acceptance speech, or Oscar acceptance speech, or an acceptance speech for any other award you’re not even nominated for. If you’re not at the show then there is no show. You will win Album of the Year this year and every year until you’re approximately 60 years old. Because guess what—you’re going to win over 100 Grammys before you die. You will not only be the most successful music artist of all-time, but also the oldest person in history. Go on with your bad self.

5. Make promises you don’t intend to keep


But you’re probably saying, “100 Grammys? That’s impossible, right?” Wrong. You will release three albums a year and only make them available on your best friend’s streaming service. That’s how you appeal to a larger audience. That’s how you get recognized. No More Parties in L.A.? Nah. More like No More CDs From You. Imagine all that time you’ll save on creating silly things like album covers. Who knows, maybe you can release four albums a year with all that extra time. Also, stop wasting money on plastic cases. A billion dollars doesn’t last forever. Besides, your art cannot be contained by something as weak as plastic. Only illegally run music downloading websites controlled by teenagers can handle your genius.

6. Make enemies


So now you’re on top of the world. Everyone loves you. You have more awards than you know what to do with. You’re widely recognize as a creative genius, and only come second to Will Ferrell. Now what? Now you create enemies. First, the nicest people on the planet — Canadians. You can start slow. Go after a 66-year-old music producer. He doesn’t like you? Wrong. He doesn’t like life, or blue skies or green grass. He is a bad man and he deserves everything you give him. Which is less than you’ll give his poor children who have to put up with him. They can have a free pair of shoes. Sorry for your troubles.

6 (and a half). Make more enemies


Now it’s almost time for the final stage. But first, take down the biggest, most dominant animal in the wild—the dreaded mouse. It’s actually an already dead mouse. But who cares. It was slightly bothersome to your daily routine and must therefore feel your entire wrath. You are the king of this jungle and will prove it to whoever questions anything you do.

7. Destroy Wiz Khalifa


Here it is, you’re almost there. Only one final step. This one is last because you never know when it could happen. But some day, someone will say something completely unrelated to you but you will have to take it as an attack of your character and berate them with the strength of 30 Dwayne Johnsons. This is the big one, so stay organized. Order your points in a logical order of anger and irrationality. No one is safe. Go after them, their ex-wife, and you know what… maybe even their infant son. All’s fair in love and war, and you have a love for war. But remember the most important thing: Erase everything you said only minutes after making it available for the world to see. This kind of entertainment is what people pay good money to see. It shouldn’t just be out there for free.

3rd no one I know has ever listened to one of your albums all the way through

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016

4th you let a stripper trap you

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016

5th I know you mad every time you look at your child that this girl got you for 18 years

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016

12th You wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016

13th You own waves???? I own your child!!!!

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016

17th I think you dress cool I wish I was skinny and tall

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016

maybe I couldn’t be skinny and tall but I’ll settle for being the greatest artist of all time as a consolation

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 27, 2016


There it is. At the end of the day, you’ve touched the hearts and minds of every person on the planet. You’re almost the most important individual in Earth’s history, only second to the great Will Ferrell. You are a hero. You are now Kanye West.