I still won’t watch The Bachelor, but I hate it a little less now

I have an overly high penchant for terrible shows. I’ve seen every episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, including all the spinoffs when the girls ‘took’ a city. If TLC is making a show about Amish people who probably are no longer or never were Amish, or families with lots of moms, or women buying wedding dresses even though they’re so awful to their friends while shopping you wonder why anyone would want to marry them, I’ve watched it. Flowers In the Attic, original AND 2014 version? Been there, VCR/PVR’d it. Twilight movies? I have the box set. My lack of shame is endless.

Still, no matter how high a percentage of my life I waste watching stuff that is definitely rotting my brain, I just can’t sit through The Bachelor. Everyone has their limits, their Achilles heel, their sore spot, and that rose-giving, soul-sucking show is mine.

I don’t think anyone needs to hear my reasons why I think The Bachelor is the worst. Even people who watch the show know that what they’re seeing is highly staged and highly depressing. If these successful, attractive and charming men and women need to compete with one another on national television for a person they have zero interest in, the rest of us are screwed.

The Bachelor is a show that has become North America’s guilty pleasure. People make pools about which contestant will win. My Facebook feed is filled each week with status updates that act as mini recaps. I don’t judge my friends when they invite me to Bachelor viewing parties, I just feel like I can finally sympathize with Berger and his post-it note sentiments.

My list of aforementioned viewing patterns shows that I’m not about to judge anyone and their choice of TV shows. I definitely don’t think I’m better than Bachelor viewers or that all the other shows I let seep into my conscious aren’t fake. It’s just that The Bachelor makes me so sad.

The ‘homecoming’ episodes have to be the biggest hit to my already Bachelor-induced queasiness. These men and women have parents, but obviously these parents didn’t hug them enough growing up. It’s called self-esteem, and it’s the biggest thing lacking on the show. Again, I feel le sad.

Still, I couldn’t help but have my interest piqued this week. Contestant Andi, a 26-year-old assistant lawyer, walked out on the token single guy, Juan Pablo, pointing out that he knows nothing about her and doesn’t seem to care to get to know her. These are things we like to call THE BASICS OF DATING. One small step for The Bachelor franchise, one giant step for self-esteem. Be better than The Bachelor, Andi.

I still can’t quite stomach the thought of watching an entire episode of The Bachelor, but thankfully Jimmy Fallon and The Roots have reenacted a scene from Monday’s episode. Wait, Tuesday’s episode. This show is on twice a week?!

Watch The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon weekdays at 3E/12P on Much.