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An Acrostic Poem Inspired By South Park’s Latest Episode: ‘Holiday Special’

Thu, September, 28 by

Do they teach words in school anymore? Do students still carry pencil cases with the name of their favourite sitcom star stenciled right next to their preferred swear word? I’m honestly not sure because the last time I was in school Wikipedia was new and you were allowed to cite it as a source on essays because teachers barely knew how to use the Internet.

Anyway, along with being ignorant toward technology, school for me was an opportunity to learn many archaic forms of the English language. After you’re done watching last night’s brand new South Park episode above on your digi-screen, cruise back under this paragraph for something called an “acrostic poem”. It’s a format that was likely invented by educators who believed children were too dumb to try to rhyme things, so they devised a simple word game and disguised it as instant poetry.

Hey, this should be “hypocrisy” because it’s a theme of this episode but I wanted to expand on it and if I just put “hypocrisy” I would’ve had to put a period or a colon or something after then expanded and I think the rules of acrostic poems are that you can’t do that but I’m not really sure.
October is the month Americans celebrate Columbus Day, which Randy wants to get rid of because Columbus was a genocidal murderer even though Randy used to love Columbus, which is kind of how people feel about Bill Cosby.  
L
ike, we don’t get Columbus Day but that’s fine because we get Thanksgiving but on the other hand American Thanksgiving is way bigger than ours and we don’t even get a day off in November which is total bullshit.
In acrostic poems it’s hard if there’s more than one of the same letter so I’m scared of that next “I”.
D
NA was a large part of this episode and it holds the key to Randy Marsh’s true ancestry which is mostly Caucasian with a dash of Neanderthal.
A
nal swab.
Y
ou’re halfway through this acrostic poem.

Statues of guys who were kind of shitty are toppling all the time meaning future statues will probably be of dogs and other creatures whose bad deeds are natural and not the product of greed or racism.
P
ooing on a statue is a very funny concept unless the statue you’re pooing on is of someone who rules.
E
thnic cleansing is the opposite of pooing on a statue because it is not funny at all unless that ethnicity is aliens who came here to cleanse us.
C
hris Columbus is a successful film director whose parents were either really stupid or so smart that they believed their son could achieve great things like the man he was named after.
I
t’s that second “I” that I talked about before.
A
lmost done this acrostic poem inspired by South Park season twenty one episode called “Holiday Special”.
L
ook, I’m pretty sure you’re only supposed to use one word per letter but there just aren’t that many good letters in “Holiday Special” so this is what you get.

Tune into yet ANOTHER new South Park next Wednesday at 10e/7p on Much, the channel that almost singlehandedly launched the career of David Usher.