Using a complex spell uttered in the lost language of HyperText Markup, we’ve summoned last night’s frightfully delightful South Park Halloween episode, “Sons A Witches,” above as a treat to the tricksters just in time for Witch Week.
Whence you gaze upon its 1080p glow you will experience the witch men of South Park face a hiccup in their annual Halloween celebrations of Jack and crack after one of their own becomes an actual witch. Cartman’s festivities are also interrupted thanks to Heidi’s sluggish manner of getting ready for things, inspiring him to set a trap that no witch could resist. It’s a total witch pursuit thingy that only the wickedest witch of them all can stop.
Presuming you’re now done watching the episode, we can drop the spooky tone and move on to the fun part! That was a good one, eh? We’re contractually obliged to say so but we’re totally serious this time. Anyway, what are you being for Halloween this year? No, don’t be that. That’s stupid. We have a better idea: use this brand new South Park episode as inspiration and be your own witch for cheap! All you need to do is follow this simple guide and you’ll be the trendiest adult at the dress-up party.
If your mother doesn’t already have one stowed in the linen closet, you’ll need to make your own. The easiest way is to make a witch hat is to use cardboard. To keep this costume cheap, we suggest scavenging for discarded cigarette packs. To turn them dark black, tape them to the highway where they will get stained using the rubber of passing tires. To sew them together without breaking the bank, raid the closest bird nest where you’ll hopefully find a wealth of thread and string. If the nest has eggs, save them.
This will be the easiest part of the costume. Find a pirate flag and tape it to the highway alongside the cigarette packs to stain the white skull and crossbones black.
We suggest going as Witch Randy because he’s so funny, but do so you’ll need a black moustache. Since a black cat is the official mammal of Halloween, its fur makes the perfect addition to your costume. Lure one onto your property using the bird eggs you swiped from the nest and shave it in the most humane way possible.
To be a South Park witch you’ll definitely need some jack and crack. Unlike the rest of the costume, you will need to shell out a tiny bit of cash. For the Jack, visit your local glassworks and trick the blower into believing you’re there to job shadow for a school assignment. Get them to reproduce the look and feel of the classic Jack Daniels bottle, which they won’t charge you for because it’s for school. For the actual whisky, you’ll need a still, water from Tennessee, corn, rye, and barley.
For the crack you can purchase the real deal wherever crack is sold, or make your own by crystallizing cocaine. If crack’s not your thing, go ahead and do any other drug you’re comfortable with.
Catch up on recent Season 21 episodes right here.